Pizza Civil War
by wlfmanjack
Summary: Does pineapple belong on pizza? Is this Fan fiction stupid as hell? Yes. Why did I write it? Because its stupid. One shot crack humor


**It was suppose to be a pleasant outing**

* * *

In a lively Italian restaurant, we find the four members of Team RWBY enjoying each other's company at a booth. Yang sat by her sister Ruby while Weiss and Blake occupied the other side, "I'm telling you guys," Yang pleaded, "Michelangelo's has the best pizza. Ruby and I came here all the time when we were little. You _HAVE_ to try it."

"Alright fine," Weiss conceded, "I guess I'll start my diet tomorrow."

* * *

 **Just a few friends out to lunch**

* * *

The four were soon joined by their waiter as he asked, "Alright now, how can I help you ladies?"

"Yeah uh," Yang stammered, "We want and extra large pie-"

"WITH BREAD STICKS!" her sister interrupted as she witnessed them on the menu.

"Uh, yeah okay," Yang agreed, "An order of bread sticks, an extra large pie, with pepperoni and pineapple."

"Okay," The waiter submitted, "I'll be sure to-"

"WHOA, WHOA NO!" Blake growled, "When da fuck did you say we were putting pineapple on this thing?"

"WHAT! How can you not like pineapple?" Ruby cried, "Its so yummy."

"It fucking disgusting," Weiss added.

"Oh god, not again," The waiter groaned, "Look I'll give you four a minute to decide what you want."

"Guys," Yang huffed, "Pineapple is the best, have either of you tried it yet?"

"I don't have to try it," Blake argued, "I know sweet tasting fruit, doesn't belong on a salty pizza."

"But that's why its yummy," Ruby defended, "The saltiness of the pizza and the sweetness of pineapple blend together in a massive flavorful tasty bite you can't get with any other topping."

"Girls," Weiss growled, "We're not putting fucking fruit on a pizza, end of discussion."

"Oh, okay fine," Yang huffed, "Then what the hell topping do you fucks want?"

"Well whenever my family ordered pizza, we always got anchovies." Blake admitted.

This revelation put a massive shock over the two sisters as Weiss added, "Actually anchovies sounds delightful, I haven't had them years."

"FUCK... **NO!** " Yang fumed, "We're not putting your gross ass fish, on a pizza."

"You two sicken me," Ruby commented.

"What is there to hate?" Weiss argued, "Pizza's salty and anchovies are salty. The overall experience is quite exquisite."

Ruby fumed, "Well why don't we just dump a gallon of salt on our food?"

"Oh I'm sorry," The Schnee said condescending like, "Would you prefer a gallon of sugar instead?"

"Fuck you!"

"Fuck you!"

* * *

 **Friendships will be put to the test**

* * *

While in the dorm of Team JNPR.

"What's wrong Ruby?" Jaune consoled.

"It's my team," The little girl sniffed, "We kinda hate each other now over whether or not pineapple belongs on pizza."

The blonde knight laughed, "Well that's silly, everyone knows it does."

"ENT!" Nora interrupted.

The leader of JNPR looked back and snarled, "Excuse me."

The smug ginger glared at her teammate, "I was correcting you. Everyone knows pineapple **DOESN'T** belong on pizza."

"This is insane, I thought you of all people would be on my side. You put ice cream on tacos."

"Jaune there's an old saying," Ren interjected, "He who likes pineapple on pizza...Is a little bitch."

"What is happening?" Ruby squeaked.

"Come now guys," Pyrrha mediated, "There's no reason to get vicious, we can...Respect each other's opinions."

"Fuck no," The ginger barked, "Their opinions are not my opinions therefore they deserve to be ridiculed and hated."

"Okay...Well uh."

"Pyrrha," The blonde knight called, "Where do you stand on this issue."

The Spartan gave an uncomfortable smile, "It's uh...Okay."

"...You hate pineapple pizza don't you."

"Okay yes, but can we just-"

"I can't believe this," Jaune groaned, "We're suppose to be a duo, how can you not like it?"

At that point, Pyrrha unleashed all her pent up rage she's kept hidden behind an eternity's worth of smiles and politeness, "IT'S BECAUSE ITS FUCKING GROSS JAUNE, ITS WET FRUIT BAKED ON A SALTY PIZZA. YOU PEOPLE ARE INSANE FOR LIKING IT!"

She then covered her mouth, fully embarrassed from her little outburst. However her fellow red head commended her, "Nice one Pyrrha, putting those fruity fucks in their place."

The knight quickly glanced at his fellow leader, "Ruby, I think we should go."

"I concur," Little red growled.

* * *

 **To achieve their goals, Blake and Weiss will have to go to the extreme**

* * *

Weiss and Blake were centered in the middle of several tents and White Fang members.

Adam motioned. "You really think I'd actually work along side a Schnee of all people just to eliminate a pizza topping?"

"Weeeell," The neko mumbled.

"Because you're right, I absolutely will."

* * *

 **Divisions will be made**

* * *

In Sienna's throne room, we find the tiger yelling at a holographic image of her subordinate, "ADAM! I demand you cease this pathetic mission to eradicate all pineapples on our planet."

"High leader Khan," The bull hushed, "We are in the interest of keeping that disgusting fruit off of our pizzas for good. It is a task far more deserving of the Fang's priorities."

"You...THAT'S WHY YOU'RE DOING THIS!?" The tiger flared up and roared at the conspirator.

"Yes, you of all people should understand fruit does not belong-"

"Adam...I'm going to make this clear, I will not allow you to eliminate my favorite pizza topping." She asserted, "So I'll give you two options. Option A, you immediately cease your actions, fly back here, and beg for your forgiveness or option B...I will invoke a civil war against you and your traitorous followers."

The bull turned to the side to fully contemplate the information.

"So what's it going to be Adam, do you really think the White Fang's efforts should be squandered on eradicating a delicious pizza topping or do you think our movement should be more focused on the equality of the Faunus."

As much as it pained him, Adam knew there was no other logical option, "It's civil war then."

* * *

 **Unforesee** **n** **alliances will be formed**

* * *

Yang faced off to a certain male character, "I know we've had our differences, but I think we both agree Blake needs to be stopped. So what do you say, let bygones be bygones."

As she leaned forward to receive a handshake, the mysterious male character was none other than SUN WUKONG HIMSELF, as he returned the gesture stating, "Believe me, the moment that bitch tried to eliminate my favorite topping, I no longer had feelings for her. Let's take her down."

"Exactly," The fellow extroverted half naked blonde concurred, "She is a bitch."

"Total bitch, I don't find her attractive at all anymore."

"Neither do I."

"So it's settled, neither of us want Blake."

"Not at all."

"Wanna fuck."

"Hell yeah I do."

* * *

 **All leading up to one inevitability**

* * *

There stood two armies ready to battle it out for the planet's supply of pineapple. Faunus, humans, and White Fang members each staring each other down from both sides. Upon one side we find the pro pineapple movement to consists of Yang, Ruby, Team SSSN, Cinder, Roman, Jaune and Sienna.

Upon the anti pineapple movement we find Blake, Weiss, Adam, Ilia, Mercury, Emerald, Pyrrha and Team CFVY.

Yang stood before her army calling out, "We don't have to do this Blake. Just leave our planet's pineapple supply alone and admit pineapple **DOES** go on pizza."

The neko glared at her former friend, "I'd rather die. You fruity fucktard."

* * *

 **Meanwhile**

* * *

We find the Headmaster Ozpin alone in his office sipping his usual coffee. Beacon had become completely vacant given the war between pineapple lovers and pineapple haters. As he contemplated the sheer stupidity of this situation, who should he receive a call from? His arch enemy Salem of course.

Opening the screen he came to view the wicked witch herself grinning at her enemy, "Hello Oz, you're looking well."

"Pineapple pizza? You could of destroyed the world in a number of ways and you went with pineapple pizza. Now the world is destroying itself and there's nothing I can do about it. Well played old friend."

"Don't get too excited. I wish I could take credit for this, in fact if I knew people in this time period would act so irrational over a pizza topping I would have pushed for that division ages ago."

The headmaster was puzzled, "But then...Who wins the bet this time?"

"Well since **I** didn't destroy the world within this millennium, I guess you technically win. I'll come to your location at my earliest convenience."

Ozpin grinned to himself over his victory by default. You see Ozpin and Salem's conflict is **ACTUALLY** nothing more than the two of them taking turns trying to destroy the world while the other keeps them at bay for a thousand years and the loser has to submit as the victor's slave for a full seventy two hours. The headmaster giggled, "Oh you're going to look quite sexy in the french maid outfit I've picked out for you."

The wicked witch smirked back, "A french maid? How classy."

"Yes and there's quite a few things in the bedroom I'm excited to try out."

"Okay Oz, no need to gloat, but as soon as humanity reforms I'll stomp out every chance you have at destroying it."

"I look forward to our next round, but I do have one question. What's your opinion on pineapple pizza?"

"Honestly I don't even like pizza."

"Neither do I, too greasy."

* * *

 **Author here, just wanted to let you all know I love pineapple pizza ;)**


End file.
